The four D’s of destruction. Or self-destruction, rather. At times, they seem to go hand in hand. The one thing we all have in common is death. There is no escaping it. It’s one of life’s only guarantees. And likewise, experiencing the death of others, especially loved ones is something we will all experience in our lifetime. It’s how we handle it and process it that differs…
I recently read the book Scenes from My Life by Michael K. Williams. The brilliant actor, best known for his portrayal of Omar Little in HBO’s The Wire, who tragically passed away from an overdose shortly before the completion of his memoir. It is a great read, detailing how he turned his trauma into art. Unfortunately, he never fully recovered from his trauma. It was the following quote that was part inspiration for this blog…
All my pain has to count for something. If it isn't fed back into the community, used to help others find a way, then it was all for nothing. I mean, what else are we here for if not each other?
So I offer this book in that spirit. ~ Michael Kenneth Williams
Death
The first time you lose someone you've known since the day you were born will change you forever, and you will never forget it.
Like most of you, I have lost friends and relatives in the past, but never anyone as close as my grandfather. I was raised in my grandparents' house. My grandmother, who is my everything and the one person in my life I could completely and wholly trust, was diagnosed with dementia not long before my grandfather passed away. That was a difficult realization. I spoke to her almost every day on the phone since moving to America. But when my grandfather died and my grandmother’s dementia worsened, my whole world flipped upside down.
In November of 2019, I was in New York for the Nate Diaz vs. Jorge Masvidal BMF title fight. I was there with Nick Diaz and the “Nick Diaz Army." It was a good time. At this stage of my life, I was known to like a good party, but I never really used drinking or partying to escape reality, at least not any more than the next person. A couple of days after the fight, I was still there and extremely hungover. I was sleeping in and had my phone on silent when I noticed later that day that I had missed a phone call from my granddad. The next call I got was to say he had a heart attack and it was not looking good.
To this day, I cannot forgive myself for missing that call. You would think that would be enough to stop someone from drinking. But not for me. What followed was a horrendous few days of traveling to get home. This was the one time I traveled domestically without my passport; had I had it with me, I could have jumped on a 6-hour flight to Dublin. Instead, I had to go back to Los Angeles, get my passport, and then take an eleven-hour flight back to Ireland. I was kicked off my first flight from New York to Los Angeles. I was drunk and emotional. The flight attendant was not very friendly, so I stupidly said something under my breath, and that was enough for her to remove me from the flight. Somewhat understandable but also a bit over the top, but I understand they have a job to do.
By the time I arrived back in Ireland, it was too late. My granddad was gone. They turned off the machine. Not a decision I was happy about, but I guess there was no hope. It would have been nice to say goodbye, though. The night before the funeral, I sat down at my grandparent’s dining room table, poured myself a single whiskey from one of my granddad's expensive bottles he received as a gift yet never drank—he had not drank in many years—and wrote the eulogy for his funeral. I was proud of the eulogy. I had never written one before, but I feel like it captured who he was—at least to me—perfectly. After the funeral was over and all the funny stories ended, chaos ensued. The kind of chaos you think would never happen to your family...
I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional setting. A lot of us have. But even considering this, I really didn’t think it could get as bad as it did. But the bad got worse, and on it goes. There are certain things, even at 5,000 miles away, that are very hard to separate yourself from. One thing you learn during these times is that almost everyone has their own version of a similar scenario, which, in one way, I suppose, is comforting. The other thing you learn is that the world really can be a fuc*ed-up place. And things can get really messy very quickly when nobody knows who is telling the truth. You learn that there are certain things that, when they happen in a certain way, it becomes impossible to ever find the truth. And sometimes you have to realize your own well-being is more important than the truth and who is right and who is wrong.
Deceit
Deceit often follows death, a sad truth that I never realized was so common. Normally confined within the family, but as I mentioned before, some people get a whiff of weakness, and they will take advantage.
I stayed in Ireland for two months; it was an exhausting and dramatic trip. On top of that, I was trying to manage the car rental business in LA and keep that running smoothly enough in order to enable me to finish the buildout of the studio.
The studio (Playback LA) at the time was just a few months old and still under construction. The smaller room was bringing in some clients and money, but barely enough to cover the overheads—sometimes not enough. This was my second trip home since we opened the studio. The only time I would hear from my partners was when they needed money.
During the first trip to Ireland, when I brought the artist mentioned in the previous article to tour—it was a month after we opened and the tour had been planned before that—I got messages saying that if we didn’t pay for the upstairs construction, we needed to forget about the whole thing. I made it happen.
On the second trip, while processing the death of my grandfather, I got calls saying, "We need to pay the wiring guy" and "We need to pay the carpet people." There were many occasions while I was away, both times when I had to call the ex-wife and ask her to take money from the safe and go bring it to them. Coming in clutch, as they would like to say. These are just a few examples, and all were for significant sums of money. They knew what I was dealing with, and still, I was coming through for them with finances and client bookings. Many gigs I was unable to take on myself, I passed to them and didn't ask for a cut. Personally, I do that automatically without thinking.
So between my continuous financial contributions and my good friend, the contractor, the studio was eventually completed. I came back from Ireland, and it was business as usual, except the headache from home never went away. Daily phone calls and problems that just became too much for me to process at the time. And with business issues and relationship issues compounding on top, I was slowly falling into depression.
Before leaving Ireland, I told myself after the flight, I was done drinking for a while and ready to solely focus on business. Inspired by the way my grandfather lived in his later years. That lasted exactly four months. And then the spiral began as the problems around me worsened. While I am on the subject of deceit, I too was guilty of it in one area of my life. My marriage. (Sex addiction isn’t very good for a marriage.🥴)
Reflecting on all of this, I realize I have learned a lot of valuable life lessons through it all. And unfortunately, those lessons had to be delivered through my own pain and the pain of others. Deceit hurts in any form, but especially when it involves friends or loved ones. But life is about growing and moving forward the best we can without repeating our mistakes.
Drink & Drugs
For the most part, I was generally pretty good at facing my problems head-on. Ever since I was young I’ve been pretty thick-skinned. I had seen enough and had been through enough to know how to handle the majority of problems life throws at you. But this time it was different.
I started drinking again just before the COVID lockdown began. I was self-isolating myself before isolation became an order from the governments around the world. Not because of COVID but the depression I was numbing with drink and drugs.
I mentioned previously that I never brought my issues or moods into the studio. I would leave and drink alone, usually in a hotel room blocking out the reality of life. There was an occasion during this period when I got into a heated argument in a hotel lobby that was blown out of proportion and the police were called. They decided to come by my studio looking for me. This is the only negative thing that I contributed to the studio. A story that was misconstrued out of convenience for my partners. When the police did make contact with me that evening the receptionist at the hotel made it clear what had happened and the police left. No charges, no arrest records.
My partner making an issue out of this is laughable considering the ego-centric stories he’s repeatedly told us about his own actions at his previous place of work. Had I killed someone, it may have been understandable, but even then, it would not erase my financial contributions.
The above is a good example of why one should not drink during these times. Things like this are less likely to happen when you have more control over yourself and your emotions. What I discovered with alcohol and drugs is that, it may numb you temporarily but once you break the cycle your problems have increased tenfold. Everything in your life is late. And you have to face the music at some point.
I was a binge drinker and during these times I was binging in excess. I was lucky to eventually snap out of it—that’s another story in itself—but many find it very difficult. Had I not been drinking and putting my own life on hold, I would of seen everything a lot more clearly and could have probably avoided the issues with the business. Although I am convinced it was the ultimate goal for one of the partners due to him constantly suggesting getting the other partner out. Regardless, it would have been much easier to process everything the correct way.
In Irish culture, the one thing we all do when someone dies is bury them and then celebrate their life by drowning our sorrows. The pub is a big part of our culture, but like everything in life, balance is the key. Leaning on a drink when you are dealing with a hard time feels like the easy option, but in the end, it ultimately makes everything harder.
Life
In life, sometimes we focus too much on the future and sometimes too much on the past. I’ve been guilty of both. But becoming a father has taught me the importance of living in the present. A good friend of mine used to tell me, "The present is the gift." That was the last message I received from him before he passed.
This is the most personal and vulnerable thing I have ever shared. But to me, it's a proactive step in moving forward. I left my country and my family a long time ago to pursue a career in music, something my so-called business partners never had to experience, and I won’t let a slip up; let me forget that.
It took me a long time to get the balls to write and post these stories, but I felt it was important for me to be transparent. When it comes to the business side of things, I did not trick or deceive anyone. Instead, I handed money out hand over fist at a time when my internal health was declining.
There were matters I let slip that I never would have, had I been focused and present. One of my business partners likes to point out that I was not around as much as he was, and that somehow cancels out my financial investment, to which he didn't contribute anything. Ironically, the other partner he wanted out originally lives in a different state and is really never there. I did not sign up for a job; I funded the company.
Snakes in human form are very good at taking from you and believing they are doing you a favor.
Imagine planting a tree together, but once the fruits appear, the other person builds a fence around it and claims it solely for themselves. That is exactly what happened here. Playback LA is the Tree.
The important thing to remember is that anyone can fall, and anyone can bounce back if they process the issues at hand and remain in the present. I slipped. I fell hard. But I got back up, fixed my issues, and I am continuing to fix myself and become a better person every day for myself and my family.
If you find yourself in hard times, don't be afraid to seek support and take the time you need to process the issues at hand. There is always a better solution than self-destruction. I know.
The thing about success is that sometimes you can get complacent, you’re doing so well that you let your guard down. The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that when you snap out of it, you make an agreement with yourself to never go back there. And its a great foundation to rebuild from.
It's amazing where a tiny bit of hope can really take you...
Now that I got that stuff out of the way, I can get to the good stuff in my next posts. After 17 years working in Hollywood, I have some crazy stories I can still barely believe myself.
The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about" ~ Jonathan Harnisch